A little early but here's my Thanksgiving.

I've been at church most all of today. And that is never a bad thing. Two wonderful services. A great meal. Lots of wonderful people i fellowshiped with. And I even came home with sandwiches and deer jerky. Can't beat that. These are all good things. No doubt. 

But what am I really giving thanks for this year? My mental health. I have talked to a few people about this over the last few years, but not everyone knows. But I have no shame in talking about it now. Especially since I have learned to give thanks for what happened. 

You see, a few years back, I was as low as I have ever been in life. In a supremely dark place. My truck was in the shop, and ended up being there for a long long time. My step dad had major heart issues, and ended up at Vandy. I was alone in Thanksgiving. And apart from bumming rides to church, I spent the better part of 3 months alone. That's a long time with no where to go and nothing to do. And I got low. Very low. Bottom of the barrel low. I will spare you the terrible details, but it was bad. I will say that there was good in there too , but it was few and far between. I'm honestly still surprised I ever came out of it. But I did. And the thanks goes to God. 

You see, I learned some things during that that I needed to learn. Like patience. That was a big lesson. And I learned that I had to stop being afraid to ask people for help. Because if you don't ask, you can't get it. And I learned that a good strong church family is maybe the best gift that God has ever given me. 

So yes, I have been down. And at times I still fight that battle over. But it's never as bad as it was in the past, because I have learned that by leaning on the everlasting arms, I can get through anything. So this year I am thankful for what God has done for me over the last few years. And I cannot wait to see what happens in the future. Like it says in 1st Thessalonians 5:18, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:18 ESV)What are you thankful for?

Some very hard truth about being a big guy

If you know me well, you know I struggle with being a big guy. This is not something new. From a young age, I was always known as "Big Al" or sometimes even "Fat Al". I was always bigger than everyone else. Not always super obese, but big. Broad shouldered. Chubby. Or my favorite, hefty. I guess the one thing that I got from the teasing that went on was a fairly thick skin. 

Now truth be told I have at times worn my size as a badge of honor. There are times when being a big strong guy was a positive. Not always, but some. But as time has gone on, the few positives that there were have become not so positive. More than anything, life has become an absolute struggle. 

See, a few years back, I hurt my knee. And it wasn't too bad back then. I did rehab, I got better. But as time has gone on, it has progressively gotten worse. Throw on top of that the problems with my leg that swells up, and is painful at times, and you see where my issues begin. Nowadays, I wear a black compression hose on my left leg, to try and help keep the swelling down. I am so used to it, it feels weird to not have it in. And you know what, I'm fine with having to wear it. What I am not fine with is the constant states I get when I go places wearing shorts, and people look at me like I am a freak. You would be surprised just how much people stare. And stare. And stare. It gets old quick. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but somedays, it really does. But both my knee and my leg can be helped by me losing weight, and they have been. 

Last year about this time, I started working out, and doing it seriously for the first time in my life. And I saw results. I lost over 50 pounds between November and April. And who knows, it may have actually been more. But I got burnt out. Exercising twice a day, 6 days a week took its toll. And don't get me wrong, I loved the results. But the work just got to be too much. So I got lazy. I went down to once a day. And then to a few times a week. And slowly but surely all that work I had done has all but vanished. And now I find myself essentially back at square one. 

So today I started doing something I never imagined I would. I am doing a cleanse. A juice cleanse. The girl who helped train me and got me to lose so much weight, Kelly, suggested it to me. And I thought, why not. I need help getting all this started again. Big time. And like she said I needed to do something extreme. So I am. Three days. Three glasses of fresh fruits and veggies each day. And now I am praying for good results. 

And now for the real reason that I have to do all of this. A common four letter word that most of you don't ever think twice about. Food. That's right. Food. I have serious issues with control when it comes to eating. And I fully recognize that. When I lost weight before, I somehow found a way to control it. To reign in my cravings, and to control the beast within. But somewhere over the summer I lost that battle. And I have been having to fight twice as hard ever since. See, I can't just have a few chips. Oh I mean I can, but I will want more. Heck the whole bag if it is sitting there will be gone if I'm not careful. Sweets are ten times worse. And I just can't do cola. If I drink one, I will crave it for weeks on end. Some people who lose eight reward themselves with the occasional fast food meal, but I can't. If I do it once, I can't stop myself from doing it over and over. I know it's sad, but it is true. I've messed up my body, and I am trying to fix it. 

These cravings I have, for Dr. Pepper, fast food, sweets. They are as real to me as they are to someone who craves a cigarette. Or craves alcohol. It is an addiction. And I know that it is. And I am now fighting for my life. That is not easy for me to admit, but it is the truth. I am addicted to food. And I have to break it. 

So where does this put me? For the second time in two years I find myself starting s journey to get healthy. And this time, I don't have a choice, I have to win. I can tell my body is not doing as well. I have to get it fixed. So this blog will be my outlet, my way of expressing what I am going through day by day. I will document everything I can, food that i eat, exercise that I do, and pain when I have to talk about it. It's not going to be easy for me, but I am going to do it this time. I have too. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this. 

Wednesday workout update

So I met with trainer Kelly lady night. And once again she kicked my tail. I always assumed my arms were in decent shape. Every week she proves me wrong! They stay more sore than my legs I think. But it was a great workout. We also talked a lot about my diet. I am trying some different things this week. Like raw veggies. And yes last night I are a salad. And I chose to do it. It was really pretty good too. I admit it. 

This mornings workout was good, actually really good considering the short recovery time. Reallyfelt stronger. Hen I started cardio, and my legs just died way to early. Going to try and get some more cardio in this afternoon before church. I am determined to get past this first 50 by next Tuesday!

Tuesday update.

Mondays workout was good. A little slower than the pace I wanted. Some swelling in my left leg caused me some pain. Plus right before my very last set someone started using the curl bench. Took them close to 10 mins and really disrupted me. Such is life. Cardio that day was okay, but again slow. 2 miles. 

Today's cardio was better. 2.7 miles. Pace was a little quicker. Down side is I am up a pound this week. Very disappointed in myself. I have to get this off. So major changes to my diet this week. Only have two sessions left with my trainer, tonight and next Tuesday. I want to break through that first barrier by then. So I have a full week of seriously kicking my butt. I will need all the help I can get. Say a prayer. Send good thoughts. But this first 50 is coming off this week. 

A test to make sure this works.

This will be my new place to keep up with my workouts. And my life in general. Stay tinned!

And you wonder why I have confidence issues?

    As most of you know, I am on a journey of getting healthy. And this is a very good thing! Those who have known me for many years will know that, when it comes to me, I have some self-confidence issues, especially when it comes to my body. But that has been changing slowly as I have been getting healthier. Dropping 45+ piunds in under 6 months has been a big boost for me. So I have been getting more brave when it comes to doing the thing every single guy dreads.....talking to women!

This has always been something I have struggled with. Especially when it comes to asking someone on a date. So with this new self confidence in tow, I have been more active in talking to women around me, just in normal conversation, kind of practicing and building myself up. But something happened this week that has shot all that confidence back to zero.

I ran into an acquantiance here in town (and no, I will not be divulging any names, I respect this person more than that). We chatted for a little bit, as we had not seen each other in a while, and I casually said, "hey, we should grab a bite to eat sometime, maybe Mexican or Chineese." Very inocuous I thought. She looked me dead in the eye, and said, straight faced "Aren't you kinda fat to be asking me out?" I. Was. Floored!!!! I have had people call me big, fat , whatever  before. And I get it, cause I know what I look like, but that went beyond cruel into a realm I did not know exsisted. So yeah, my confidence took a big hit.

Now, before anyone says anything bad, I understand, she is not worth my time. And that is true, no one deserves to be treated that way. And I have had several friends confirm that for me. But really? I mean come on. Look, ladies, you do not know how hard it is for a guy to ask you out. It is not easy at all! So at least be nice to us. We are trying. Maybe she had a bad day, maybe she just really didn't want to be nice, I don't know. remember, we are human beings too, and we have feelings!

Adoption

I want to talk about ADOPTION. There is a reason for this. I have actually been thinking about it for a while. The reason? I feel like there have been three adoptions in my life, and I want to talk about them. May give you some insight into me, and who I am.

The first one, well, was a real adoption. My mom is really my mom (love her). But the person most thought of as my dad, well he was my adopted dad. My biological father, Tom (thus my middle name) gave me up when I was very young, or so I understand. When mom married Charles, he was kind enough to adopt me. May not seem like a big deal, but truthfully, it was. He and I have not always had the best of relationships, but I still think of him as my dad. And because of that, I also gained family that I love and treasure. Of course, I guess you could say that Winfred, my step-dad, kind of adopted me as well, even though I was an adult. Not an adoption in the truest sense, but he did take me in and consider me one of his own. Again, I gained family that I cherish.

The second, well that one should be obvious. the day God adopted me. I know I am not the greatest of people, am totally flawed, and make terrible decisions on what seems like a moment by moment basis, but He forgives me. My heavenly Father, well, honestly I would not be writing this right now if it were not for him. the last year and a half have at times been brutal on me. And I have struggled mightily. But He has been there with me every step of the way. It has not been easy. And it still isn't. but trials and struggles, I am happy to have them. (See James 1: 2-18. If you understand that, you'll understand me better.)

The third adoption, and one I have recently experience has been my church family. It has been so great, becoming a member at Green River Memorial Baptist. The people there have taken me in as one of their own, even though I am not a local native. They have loved me, supported me, gone out of their way to do things for me, fed me, the list is endless. And I cannot tell you just how thankful I am for them. it was a true blessing from god that led me there, and one I cannot ever be thankful enough for.

So there are the 3 adoptions in my life. Not sure if it makes who I am any clearer, but it was fun to write about!